In episode 3 of Sexy Beasts, it’s pandemonium!
Sorry. Kariselle, a pageant girl and party motivator (I don’t know what that is either), from New Jersey, is entering the Sexy Beasts dating arena as a panda. “I’m clearly doing this dating thing all wrong,” she says. I assume her mother is back in Jersey nodding forlornly. Kariselle is a lot, as they say. But good news, folks: Her psychic said all this would happen.
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Her first suitor is Ethan, a marine biologist from Dallas, Texas, whose Tin Man disguise is already rusting from the salt water exposure. He can hold his breath for four minutes and knows Dolphin Facts ™.
Then there’s Tyler, a model AND security guard from Los Angeles. He’s an alien who rates his own personality as a 9.9999 out of 10.
Josh, on the other hand, is an engineer from Atlanta made up to be a bull. He wants a partner who’s also into Marvel and Star Wars and can match his Funko Pop collection. Forget aligning on values or life goals. It’s Funko Pops, man.
As the speed date round commences, Ethan offers Kariselle a fact about pandas (he’s got Panda Facts ™ too, ladies), and she asks Josh if he’s a nerd or a hot nerd. Then things go off the rails with Ethan as Kariselle describes herself as both a lunatic and a psychopath. “You haven’t seen my Google search history yet,” she tells him when he nervously asks her why, eyes flitting to the camera for a second, as though begging for help.
Kariselle oscillates between talking about how ready she is to get a serious relationship rolling (“We’re going to be 30 before you know it.” “What age do you want kids?”) to saying things like “Ever have a threesome?” And “What if I was like I want you to f*ck me in this (panda mask)??”) She’s the chaos this show promised.
Eventually, they head back to the Manor and she dispenses with Ethan, who’s overjoyed to escape her.
Post Manor, Kariselle and Tyler go ax throwing. “Can you put up with crazy?” asks the wild-eyed panda in the leather jacket. He is, surprisingly, not terrified by this. On the flip side, she inquires, during their zoo date, whether Josh has health insurance. Maybe dirty talk in late-stage capitalism sounds like this: $20 co-pays. Free bi-annual teeth cleanings. $100 off frames. Can we dial down the spice, Netflix?
For not the first or last time, the daters have to navigate wine glasses while wearing prosthetics on their faces, and I wonder if it would kill the producers to get them some straws.
Ultimately, though, hot nerd Josh and his insurance card aren’t enough for Kariselle. But she literally cries at the sight of his face, which feels like a poor omen for Tyler. Just think of a Funko Pop that could’ve been.
You can read our episode 4 recap here.